PeeWee's Cabal Quotes
General Computer Stuff
<Jace> How about a faith-based fuck you? "oh, cool. i can offend two people at once. that saves time!" -PeeWee <nateM> hm. <zeptember> hm. *** Jace- (email@example.com) has joined channel #scc <zeptember> hm. <JulAnn> hm. <nateM> hm. *** Signoff: Jace- (Ping timeout) <JulAnn> hm. <nateM> hm. <JulAnn> hm. <nateM> hm. <JulAnn> hm. <zeptember> h <zeptember> m <zeptember> . <nateM> hm. <JulAnn> hm. *** Signoff: zeptember (freaks) Her mom didn't know we were going out, and was worried that I was a rapist, or a pornographer, or sysadmin, or something like that. -zerby moshe: you were right! peewee: but i wasn't trying to be right! polina: wow, you're a tyrant! peewee: i'm the sysadmin. <WRAY> (stay with me here girl, i'm spewing this thought process for your +benefit... i'm trying to teach you to fish rather than giving you a box of +vandekamps) <Flashback> The ONLY thing more nutritious thana 6 pack is a twenty four. <Elezar> Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold. "its hard to talk about taking over the world with a bunch of drones..." -fook "I feel like I've followed the rainbow to the end, only to discover that the elves have a marketing department and want to sell me the gold." -PeeWee, about the Bay Area "Insert soul, press any key to sell." -PeeWee Zerby: "Do you know how close I am to having a working wearable, Nate?" Nate: "why wear computers if you don't wear clothes? what's the point?" chris: am i being a pain in the ass? peewee: you're an nt admin. chris: worse, i'm a manager. "what's a 'varmint'? well, i'd say that's anything furry that doesn't drink moonshine." -PeeWee "i'm not *completely* full of shit, you know. i mean, i'm full of shit, but i'm not packed to capacity." -PeeWee <Pwe> define 'person' <Flashback> person: basically rotten subunit of people <Pwe> i want zerby and i don't even know it <TahoGnome> Yep. <TahoGnome> that's common. <Flashback> I think he's causing me to want myself. <Flashback> I'll take me out for dinner, get me drunk and who knows, I'll prolly wake up next to myself wonder why I ever bothered. "Ok. Imagine that you're a thousand year old black guy..." -Zerby teaches blues guitar "this is like shooting myself in the head in slow motion" -peewee, three hours into a session of trying to get one of win9 to install "I puked so hard, I sucked my shorts into my butt." -Zerby maurice: can you send out an email to the entire company telling them that we won't do that? peewee: well, i *can*, but why would everyone listen to me? maurice: because they don't know who you are! "Stir this: I should get a herion addiction so that I can get rich writing and talking about my recovery." -PeeWee "i think i have a bad attitude. other people tell me i just tell it like it is. maybe that's the same thing." -PeeWee, to a senior v.p. <nateM> don't think the government is happy about true freedom of speech and +free economy. <nateM> they're not <nateM> they don't like it at all. <nateM> they'll do anything to have mindless aolers begging them for +"protection" against unknown hackers and handing over the rights of the +entire network community just for no reason. <nateM> and the government is the ONLY group that has control of enough hosts +to do that kind of crap undetected. no regular hacker can do it because of +the time it would take them. <nateM> nobody takes that much time just to fuck with YAHOO! i mean, really, +come on. <nateM> would you work for MONTHS or even YEARS accumulating hacked sites just +to fuck with YAHOO? <nateM> bullshit! <nateM> IT'S ALL THE GOVERNMENT. THEY CAN WIRETAP WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON, +DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY HAVEN'T SNIFFED OUT 1000 PASSWORDS? <Pwe> i named a box 'twitch' today <Pwe> i wanted something that captured the essense of a small child hamfisting a crayon and using it to scribble all over the paper <Pwe> except, instead of a child, imagine a process doing this to a hard drive <Pwe> now <Pwe> this box is our new devel webserver <Pwe> whether this is a reflection of my views on websites in general or on the work done specifically by our 'webmaster' is left as a excercise to the reader <Pwe> i got called 'evil' over this. this means that i am doing my job. ;) <Flashback> Welcome to the club tho Vi0. I'm a thief. I stole a stretcher one +night after a party visiting a buddy at a hospital. When they asked me why I did +it, I said, "Cuz I couldn't find a wheelchair" karen: do you have a knife? peewee: you're asking the sysadmin if he has a weapon? DUH! karen: i guess that was kind of a rhetorical question... "I think that the very first time anyone says 'I am in love - I've found the person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life', they should be drug out into the nearest alley and beaten senseless." -PeeWee <Pwe> if the net had a holler, www.scc.mi.org would be down in it <Pwe> 'member, if www.scc.mi.org were a trans am, it'd be on blocks in the front yard rob: why do you have that evil grin? you know, on second thought, that really disturbs me. peewee: i'm the sysadmin. it's part of the aura. "gotta have a drum machine. otherwise you might have to have a drummer." -PeeWee "Ray is not built for belly dancing." -Elezar "i'm the sysadmin! it's my job to expect the worst!" -PeeWee <Elezar> I have this nasty impression that I'm living inside of ms-dos DEFRAG.EXE <Pwe> you mean that while reorganizing your stuff, you accidentially delete part of it and burn your house down? peewee: oh yeah, i keep forgetting, you're the one with all the guns. gerald: yeah, i am. you need to watch what you're saying. peewee: well, i'm the sysadmin, you're the one with the guns. sounds like mutually assured destruction to me. gerald: yep. karen: here, you can take control of my system. [as opposed to me dictating a url to her] peewee: i already control your system. i'm the system administrator. karen: that's true. you are godlike. peewee: what do you mean, god "like"? "why is it that, when i see a claw hammer, the first thought that comes to my mind is 'now i can administer systems'?". -PeeWee "i have a monitor at werk that i chocolated, but it doesn't care. it has a computer that has 64 megs. it probably runs vms. why do all the big monitors like big, dumb computers? i wish i was dumb." -Johnny Carr speaking about Nate by my clock, the world just ended. i haven't noticed, but then, i live in the bay area, so i always feel like the world just ended only no one's noticed yet... -PeeWee, on y2k "safe mode? you mean you've got it booted to linux?" -PeeWee <flashbak> I last went rabbit hunting in myparents' front yard with a shovel. peewee: did you just send kent to me with a printer problem? moshe: yes. peewee: i see. well, i'll make a deal with you then. i'll be the person who *authoritatively* knows nothing about the printers. <Pwe> HERE'S A PREPAID PHONE CARD. CALL SOMEONE WITH A LEGAL OBLIGATION. "In fact, they all have penises so small that they're not supported by any vaginas anywhere." -Nate, about Packard Bell "THEORIES WITHOUT RAISINS ARE LIKE GIRLS WITHOUT DIAMONDS! A GIRL WITHOUT A DIAMOND IS A PARSNIP." -Nate "Some days, the weather is more predictable than the Net. But generally, the public doesn't expect the weatherman to do something about the weather." -Elezar, on running an ISP <muf^n> its kinda like im half housewife and half joseph stalin At a Cabal Ball: PeeWee: What is your opinion of this substance? Nate: "I want some." <KathrynC> I'd be more willing to buy hand lotion from a Pentium than from Jesus. <nateM> yeah, but the pentium is from intel. jesus came back from the dead. <Elezar> TRUST THE ATM MAGIC. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE SWITCH BEHIND THE PVC. <Elezar> I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ANX Elezar detects a small buffer. <Elezar> size matters. <Pwe> "oh baybee...overflow my buffers...yeah..." <Pwe> "execute my shellcode..." <Pwe> "smash my stack..." <Pwe> etc. KathrynC laughs out shooting clay pigeons with a 12ga: gerald: why are you firing the second shot? [at the same clay...] peewee: there was something left to shoot at. Nate: "WHY CAN'T ELVIS EDIT A FILE OVER 2M? WTF IS WRONG WITH THAT?" JC: "He's dead, Nate. Dead people don't edit files under 2M either." "when you're drunk, everything is performance art" -Fook *** Topic for #scc: THE WORD OF GOD SHALL NOT BE CUT AND PASTED -PeeWee "even a broken clock is right twice a day.. unless its digital.. digital sucks." -Fook "Based on what I see being posted, I'd say a lot of posters here would eat the menu and leave the meal." -PeeWee, in a post to /. <nateM> pwe: don't use kerosene with a latex condom because it will soften +the latex. no petroleum-based lubricants should be used with condoms. +not even vaselene. gerald: what sickos you are... peewee: *pointing to his head* yeah, there's at least three sickos in here. gerald: i know, that's why i phrased it that way. "the users are getting trickier. they don't ask 'can i ask you a question?' any more... user: can i disturb you for a second? me: you already have." -PeeWee "you're a programmer! how can you possibly have normal blood pressure??" -PeeWee "the question is: is there an ass out there that's so big outlook can't suck it?" -PeeWee <Pwe> win98 is a mirror of life. it sucks, and it's not fair. "writing about astral projection is like dancing about architechture" -nate "bad dba! no quota increase!" -peewee "Breaking up means changing the root password." -Michael Baxter Flash on nate's taste in pr0n: <Flashback> Heh. I'm a hypocrite, I seen goat pr0n before. I just never +figgered I'd see that much of it in one place. <nateM> I WILL TELL YOU IN CAPS SO THAT YOU KNOW! <nateM> USE A FLAT BASTARD FILE! RETIN YOUR TIPS! <nateM> I WILL MICROPOLIS YOU DOWN INTO SUBMISSION! <nateM> I HAVE 2 MICROPILIS DRIVES ON THIS MACHINE! I CAN LOSE MY DATA 4X AS FAST! +SMOOCH MY BUTTOX! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN INSIDE THE CUBICLE! I AM THE GREAT AND MIGHTY SYSADMIN! -PeeWee <nateM> windoze sure as hell can't do that. it might auto-detect something +different but it doesn't install any drivers, it just bitches and whines +and makes you find the install disk. <nateM> then it puts in the wrong driver so that your soundcard doesn't work +and you have to throw it away. * nateM has a tall stack of sound cards and knows that he has to throw one +away every time he touches the machine. <nateM> if i so much as add memory, i have to throw away another soundblaster clone. <nateM> plug and pray sucks. <Flashback> YOU SAY NO TO GIANT ROBOT COMBAT? <nateM> chix should dig me. even if only arbitrarily. tabinda: gynecology is like system administration. peewee: you get to hit things with a hammer? tabinda: *wince* well, that's not exactly what I meant... peewee: since when do kindness, understanding and not messing with things you're not supposed to... tabinda: (trying to regain control of the converstaion) well, those are all part of gynecology! peewee: ...have anything to do with system administration? tabinda: um. true. wendy: it's jason! peewee: last i checked, yep. wendy: you haven't changed your name? peewee: nono, i mean that i'm still me. 'jason' is merely the label that we have affixed in consensual reality to the concept that i refer to as 'me'. wendy: you're weird. peewee: do you really mean that? wendy: yes. peewee: good. christine: why do you have a hammer on your desk? peewee: it's an essential system administration tool. kathy (new hire, smiling uncertainly): um, ok. peewee: think about it. how many computer problems cannot be solved or at least made irrelvant by a few well-placed swings of a hammer? kathy: i read an article where a guy used a hammer to kill... peewee: nono. axes are for people, hammers are for computers. <nateM> NEVER ATTRIBUTE TO IGNORANCE THAT WHICH CAN BE ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED BY +MALICE! <Flashback> I like to eat clams. I use two fingers and a thumb. I just ate a whole plateful and I could eat more. robert: there's a good side and a bad side to that [owning a mac]... peewee: the only downside i see is having to put up with people like you. "i like environmentalism....but i have lousy uptimes." -PeeWee, on the California power crisis "Think of all the California potheads that rely on indoor grown marijuana, a decent grow roow consumes hundred of kilowatts/hours a day. If you could grow marijuana outside, using freely available sunlight, power consumption would drop." --Anonymous Coward kent: are you much of an openbsd wonk? peewee: i've wonked with it a few times, but i woudn't consider myself a wonk. 02:56PM <muf^n> There has always been the village idiot. <Pwe> i aspire to be the village idiot <Pwe> but i live in the global village "i collect failed relationships, i hope to have them all some day.." -fook
"she's not a woman, she's 'differently sexed'" -mst3k When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty "what's the use of getting sober when you're just gonna get drunk again?" -some jazz song "I believe in a universal guiding intelligence. I respect it. I also believe its off on a beach in Bermuda, ignoring our bullshit and enjoying the colorful sunsets. Jesus-shouters should be sodomized by hell-hounds on crack." --HellPope Huey The suggestion that Jell-O is the carrot sprinkled glue that keeps families together has pushed me over the edge -Senator Ron Allen, Utah ZAPPA: There was a third factor, too. There's an art statement in whipped cream shooting out the ass of a giraffe, isn't there? We were carrying on the forgotten tradition of dada stagecraft. The more absurd, the better I liked it. We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney "I'm in an advanced state of death." -Art Scheel "Has anybody ever felt so bad that when they breathe air it makes them feel sick?" -Art Scheel "If anyone has a garbage disposal tutorial, preferably in pictorial form, please forward it." --SubGenius Spice <firstname.lastname@example.org> Ted Turner and the Roman Catholic Church present . . . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - J E S U S C H R I S T S U P E R S T A T I O N - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --Mike's Madness #23 The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. Where does one find inspiration? How do you court the coy muse? Just be yourself? Or do you need a really good opening line to catch her attention? "Hey, muse, lookin' fiiiiiiiiine, mama. Oo! I totally dig that tight body on ya. Let's you and me bounce on over to my crib and do it Picasso-style." Or you could put out a personal ad: "Muse Wanted: For artistic inspiration, spiritual rebirth, and light ego-massaging. Must be able to handle artist's inner torment. No Harpies please." And hey, what about female artists? Do they have man-muses? Do they look like Fabio? Yeah, that's rich. Fabio in a cherub get-up floating around sprinkling fairy dust on... Cathy Guisewite. "Do it, Fabio," Cathy would moan. "Do it to me Picasso-style." -T A T S U Y A I S H I D A 10:24: risperdal: Those jock parties that rich parents let their kids throw are way better than Raves. Plus, they're chock-full of alcohol, which isn't really dangerous, and not really a drug. What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? "Full-text is inferior in performance and convenience to search based on human-generated metadata, but generating metadata is expensive and requires employing humans, something that is unfashionable in today's business culture." --Tim Bray Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer meets an ME-109! ---------------------------------------------- (Running time: 9 1/2 seconds) --Mike's Madness #23 "As a side note...cross posting to rec.audio.pro and rec.audio.opinion is a really bad idea. They're idiots, and we're morons...the two don't work nor play well together." --Fletcher "By all means, turn the volume up; I still have some hearing left and I'm just DYING to get rid of it." --HellPope Huey PS: Your hard drive is an extension of your brain, so don't forget to fill at least 85% of it with commercials, so they remain compatible. --iceknifeNOSPAM@lanminds.com "I did my radio schtick again, and had the unfortunate pleasure to announce that a tornado was spotted only two hours away from the campgrounds. Well, when you declare war on god, these things happen." --email@example.com I pledge mild indifference to our symbolic piece of fabric and to the squabbling states of Southern continental North America (not counting Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and various territories) and to the plutocratic republic for which it stands one police state predominantly under the Judeo-Christian God insufferable with liberty and justice proportional to wealth and celebrity status. --Cynic's Pledge of Allegiance Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" "I turn on my television set. I see a young lady who goes under the guise of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else. And you may try to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I know better. -- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for: (3) Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. (6) Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines. -- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_ "For an extended list of copyrighted words, I refer my readers to the highly illegal _Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary_. Get your copy before they are all burned." --http://www.ihatestarwars.com/disclaimer.html "... can't we allow clones, so I can clone myself, and let me do all the work, while I relax somewhere cooler, like ... hmm... in the water by a beach? And if I could let me and me do all the work, I wouldn't have to worry about incompetent users who is trying to help. Oh, why can't we just repopulate the whole world with me?" --firstname.lastname@example.org 10:25: risperdal: If someone offers you drugs, take it as a complement, because not many people go around giving that kind of stuff away for free. You must be really, really hot. If you're going to sleep with a dealer, make sure he's good looking and drives a nice car. "Watching CNN Breaking News is like watching sausages being made." --Locnar@iglou.com "don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash...." --MoonChyld1@aol.com I can see it now, my parting words to god: 'Hey, where are you sending me and why am I in this handbasket?' --email@example.com "Meanwhile, the mainstream view was superbly articulated by the U.S. Congress, which voted not to support the war in Kosovo but then voted to carry on financing it. This was, in its way, a brilliant distillation of the average American's attitude to foreign affairs: He doesn't want to hear about foreigners, he doesn't want to think about foreigners, he doesn't want foreign coverage clogging up his TV news bulletins, distracting attention from the real issues like the new fat pill or how much Star Wars took in over the weekend -- but he's happy to give foreigners all the money they want just to go away." --Mark Steyn, National Post God isn't dead, but He's sure puking his GUTS out. -Hellpope Huey Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. "You'll pay to know what you really think." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs Hi! How are things going? (just fine, thank you...) Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? (you just asked one...) Well, how about one more? (one more than the first one?) Yes. (you already asked that...) [at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] May I ask two questions, sir? (no.) May I ask ONE then? (nope...) Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? (yes, you may.) Sir, how may I ask you a question? (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the next one) Sir, may I ask nine questions? (go right ahead...) -fortune(6) I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger then the previous record. -- John Blasik "Americans are not taught to use the intellect, if any, that they are born with, most seemingly content that their brain serves as little more than a counter balance in their heads so that they might walk upright." --Charles Buffalo, firstname.lastname@example.org Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. It's quiet. Possibly too quiet - The kind of quiet you get when you shove a thick chunk of copper wire in a circuit breaker, a nail in the phase circuit breaker and a bolt in the floor circuit breaker... then drop a screwdriver down one of the ventilation holes of the mainframe's power supply. --BOFH "all I had in my fridge was the light and the toothmarks on it" --Juhana.Siren@oulu.fi "The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words." -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct.24th issue of National Review "To use it to distress your political opponents would be a bit like having the original of the Watergate tapes and just playing them very loud to annoy the neighbours" --Dave from the skyrealms of jorune list. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke. "Monarchs may come and go, but the real power remains with the bankers." -Gyeorgos C. Hatonn "Do not look into LASER with remaining good eye." "We are all nailed to space and time like Jesus to his cross..." -Guy Demers "These guys are less sane than ... than ... erm ... than a two month old hyperactive kitten who just happens to have swallowed two moths dipped in battery acid." -email@example.com.NOJUNK "She weighs about 220 pounds, which can be beautiful, but is hard to pick up." -Dogboy "Humanity is inherently evil. (It has something to do with opposing thumbs.)" -Sean Scott Interviewer: Don't you want to be a television personality? Nik Fiend: No. There's enough of them already. "What are they going to do, hire the evolution police?" -Kansas Governor Bill Graves, on the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to remove evoltuion from the state curriculum "Keeping UUCP running is starting to seem a lot like keeping a 130-year-old man who smokes 4 packs a day on life support because he's the last person on Earth who knows how to do the cha-cha, but he won't tell anyone." --firstname.lastname@example.org It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life. -- Oscar Wilde 9... I observed this flashing message--which is basically the story of Western Civilization in 20 words or less--on one of those electronic billboards outside a local drugstore: One hour photo finishing! Cash station inside! Chicago T-shirts! HIV-tests, $39.99! Muppet Video! -http://www.amused.com/amy.html "World class cities don't roll their sidewalks up at night" --unknown, about San Francisco "We won. We must have been right." -Aeon Flux "Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get crucified in the morning." -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs "The only different between a rut and a grave are the dimensions." -Heard on the radio "For some reason, people tend to ask me questions, even if they know that others are far more qualified to answer. They tell me I have a kind face. I grew a beard to cover it. Now they tell me I have a kind beard." --email@example.com "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." -unknown "Call immediately. Time is running out. We both need to do something monstrous before we die." -- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. -- W.C. Fields "Jeff Hartmann sent us a link to a cute little Ice Penguin from Michigan Technological University's Winter Carnival '99. Surprised someone sobered up long enough to make it. MTU has a great campus though they need something besides snow cows." --http://www.slashdot.org/ "Birth now has become a medical business. There are very few births now on Saturdays and Sundays because its not very convenient for the doctor. When the baby isn't ready to be born during the weekdays, sometimes it is obliged to do so. The percentage of cesareans has gone up from 3 or 4 percent to 22, 23, 24 percent." --Laura Huxley Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks. "But it's a nice picture of me, don't you think? It's nice to be non-pixallated." -J. R. "Bob" Dobbs Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. -fortune(6) "I'm postponing my christmas shopping this year...till after the looting starts..." -Steve Stolper (a programmer cow-orker of Zept's) on Y2K
"[psychedelic] trance is the answer to the question posed by industrial" Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller breggs[sic] says that homosexuals can't expect to be treated like normal people because they aren't normal. well, i say the same thing about fundamentalists. they can't expect to be treated like reasonable people because they aren't resonable people. they're dangerous lunatics. -wsb, the whole tamale "It is charmingly simple and obvious, once we realize that the spaced-out neural experiences really are extraterrestrial, that getting high and spacing out are accurate metaphors. Circuit V neurosomatic rapture is preparation for the next step in our evolution, migration off the planet. Circuit VI is preparation for the step after that, interspecies communication with advanced entities possessing electronic (post-verbal) tunnel-realities." -R.A.W. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thompson How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else. -- R. Buckminster Fuller As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so that you can meet girls." -Matt Cartmill - Professor of Biology, Duke University. "Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim. -- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility," New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988 "And as far as I can see, the world is too old for us to talk about it with our new words." -Jack Keruac, _Big Sur_ The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. -- David Viscott I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and repeat the sequence. You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around your own apartment? -- William S. Burroughs "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed -- and thus clamorous to be led to safety -- by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." -- H.L. Mencken "Help! I'm thinking!" -Jack Keruac, _Big Sur_ MCKENNA: We don't know what DMT means. It's like Columbus sighting land, and somebody says, "So you saw land; is that a big deal?" And Columbus says, "You don't understand; it is the New World." They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to learn this particular lesson. -- Richard Stallman "I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." -- Gotama Buddha "when i began to fast and to withdraw into myself, i had a reason. now i no longer have this one reason, but rather ALL the reasons." -karlheinz Stockhausen If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't. HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 3:1 -Principia Discordia "We have to stop waiting for the revelation to come from CNN or Time Magazine, and get lives!" --Terence McKenna "Any language where the unassuming word 'fly' signifies an annoying insect, a means of travel, and a critical part of a gentleman's apparel is clearly asking to be mangled." --Bill Bryson "so i am a public agent and dont know who i work for, get my instructions from street signs, newspapers and pieces of conversation i snap out of the air the way a vulture will tear entrails from other mouths..." -wsb, 'the soft machine' "But what are concepts save formations and creations of thought, which, instead of giving us the true forms of objects, shows us rather the forms of thouht itself? Consequently all schemata which science evolves in order to classify, organize and summarize the phenomenon of the real world turn out to be nothing but arbitrary schemes -- airy fabrics of the mind, which express not the nature of things, but the nature of the mind." --Ernst Cassirer "..and when you want to live, how do you start? where do you go? who do you need to know?" -moz 'the boy with the thorn in his side' "So, SURE, you're worried. You SHOULD be paranoid. You should also be ready for anything. Everything is NOT gonna be just fine, but YOU might be. Keep your balls, okay? Sanity is strictly optional." --1Ol01O@radix.net (MegaLiz) Ordinarily language creates a system of conventional meanings based on pathways determinate by experience. DMT drops you into a place where the stress is on a transcending language. Language is a tool for communication, but it fails at its own game because it's context-dependent. Everything is a system of referential metaphors. We say, "The skyline of New York is like the Himalayas, the Himalayas are like the stock market's recent performance, and that's like my moods" -- a set of interlocking metaphors. -Terence McKenna "What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite." -- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928 "nobody owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death..." -WSB Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn. "There are two ways to slide easily through life: Namely, to believe everything, or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking." - Alfred Korzybski What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. --Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" "It may be no exageration to say that stupidity has killed more people than all the diseases known to medicine and psychiatry." --Robert Anton Wilson "with your ego left behind you, your brain can't go wrong" -Timothy Leary "reality is more scary than the drugs we use to fly from it" -Terence McKenna "Humans always do the most intelligent thing after they've tried all the stupid alternatives and none worked." -Buckminster Fuller "Questions are a burden. Answers are a prison for oneself." "Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of thought on every occasion." -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) Robert Anton Wilson has this wonderful rap, he says: 'Define the world as a conspiracy run by you and your friends.' If you don't have that as your model, then you probably have a loser's model, and who wants to be a loser? So, just assume, you know, that you and your friends are gaining power, moving into positions of influence, and shortly about to take control! --Terence McKenna "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time, a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it" --Frederic Bastiat (1801-1850) "There is no 'out there' between you and Life in the equation I + Not-I = Everything." -Jan Cox Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. -- Lao Tsu "In the West we practice Martial Art for Self-Defence. In the East, we pratice Martial Art until there is no more Self to Defend." "A wise teacher once asked me to answer a question. My subconscious resisted. I couldn't reply and said so. 'Well, if you did know the answer, what would it be?' he asked supportingly. My resistnace simply disappeared. I knew what to say." -p. 23, _The Art of Sexual Ecstacy_, by Margo Anand "even as the nineteenth century had to come to terms with the notion of human descent from apes, we must now come to terms with the fact that those apes were stoned apes. being stoned seems to have been our unique characteristic..." -unca terence "The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience, makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external perparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak... I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive reality. Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character of LSD as a sacred drug." - Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD "I mean, if states didn't alter, life would be pretty boring." --Terence McKenna "My young men shall never work. Men who work cannot dream; and wisdom comes to us in dreams." --Smohalla, founder of the dreamer religion "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. I think very probably he might be cured." "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. The elders murmured assent. "Now, what affects it?" "Ah!" said old Yacob. "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant irritation and distraction." "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical operation -- namely, to remove those irritant bodies." "And then he will be sane?" "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" "What happens on DMT I referred to this morning: a troop of elves smashes down your front door, and rotates and balances the wheels on the afterdeath vehicle, present you with the bill and then depart." --Terence McKenna "It must be emphasized that the evolution from fourth-circuit gravity to fifth-circuit levity is much, much more than a struggle between generations. The DNA strategy calls for continuous acceleration of the genetic script, and evolution has never happened faster than at present. The bitterness of the old species grows increasingly paranoid, violent, vengeful." --Timothy Leary One pill makes you larger, And if you go chasing rabbits And one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. Go ask Alice Call Alice When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking mushroom backwards And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: I think she'll know. Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head. -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
"and now the autumn leaves are turning to the color of rust, i'm getting jealous of youth's first yearning for lust. i want to live. i wanna live. but i aint a big enough man to do anything, other than think." "this is the day your life will surely change, this is the day when things fall into place." "i only know that peace will come, when all i hate is gone." "the candles are lit, the curtains are drawn, there's still no sign of rain or dawn. our lips touch, our limbs entwine, but the ghosts that haunt me wont leave my mind. i ask myself where does lust come from? is it something to yield to or be overcome? i ask myself why love can never touch my heart like fear does." "i've got too much energy to switch off my mind. but not enough to get myself organized. my heart is heavy, my head is confused. my aching little soul has started burning blue. i cant give you up till i've got more than enough, infect me with your love." "admit to me the things you cant admit to yourself, admit to me and no one else. everybody's looking for someone to tell them what they want to hear. everybody's looking for truelove to help them feel what they cannot feel." "i aint never found peace upon the breast of a girl, i aint never found peace with the religions of the world, i aint never found peace at the bottom of a glass. sometimes it seems the more i ask for, the less i receive. the only true freedom is freedom from the heart's desires.. and the only true happiness this way lies." "i got it blue, i got it bad. i got the sweetest sadness i ever had." "if you cant change the world, change yourself. and if you cant change yourself.. change the world." "i'm just a symptom of the moral decay that's gnawing at the heart of the country." "the path of least resistance leads to the garbage heap of despair."
"when we have to change our mind about a person, we hold the inconvenience he causes us very much against him." "the disgust with dirt can be so great that it keeps us from cleaning ourselves- from 'justifying' ourselves." "sensuality often hastens the growth of love so much that the roots remain weak and are easily torn up." "the attraction of knowledge would be small if one did not have to overcome so much shame on the way." "love of one is a barbarism; for it is exercised at the expense of all others." "one has watched life badly if one has not also seen the hand that considerately- kills." "whoever despises himself still respects himself as one who despises." "to be ashamed of one's immorality- that is a step on the staircase at whose end one is also ashamed of one's morality." "what? a great man? i always see only the actor of his own ideal." the voice of disappointment: "i listened for an echo and heard nothing but praise-" "not their love of men but the impotence of their love of men keeps the christians of today from- burning us." "whoever does not know how to find the way to his ideal lives more frivolously and impudently than the man without an ideal." "the abdomen is the reason why man does not easily mistake himself for a god." "praise is more obtrusive than a reproach." "in a man devoted to knowledge, pity seems almost ridiculous, like delicate hands on a cyclops." "the vanity of others offends our taste only when it offends our vanity." "perhaps nobody yet has been truthful enough about what 'truthfulness' is." "'i dont like him' -why?- 'because i am not equal to him.' has any human being ever answered that way?" "Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself."
"When you first start using Unix, you will immerse yourself in learning the commands and the basic rules. There are many technical details to master and, at first, there is not much time for pondering. But after a while, you will begin to realize that Unix is not like other computer systems. There is a feeling of elegance and charm that hides behind every esoteric command and within every technical rule. From time to time you will notice an odd perception--an impression, a pattern, a combination of ideas--an undeniable something that appears unexpectedly and then vanishes like the tail of a cat as he runs to hide under the bed. Eventually these momentary sensations will coalesce into a startling idea: that there is something unexpectedly wonderful about Unix that transcends your computer system and the commands that you are using. You may hear people refer to this something as 'the Unix philosophy', but there is a lot more to it. I believe that all human cultures have a creative spirit that runs like a thread through the tapestry of history and forms an inseparable and inspiring counterpoint to human achievement. In each age, we find a handful of men and women who embody this spirit with their inventions and ideas. I suspect that the original Unix programmers did not fully understand the significance of what they had invented; for Unix is nothing less than a way of thinking: a modern implementation of the nucleus of human creativity. As I see it, when you use Unix, you are connecting with something that is as old as history and as deep as the ocean of our unconscious. Okay, I realize that this may sound a bit strange...and yet, I am starting to see that Unix is more important than I ever imagined. You see, unlike any other computer system that is popular today, Unix has much more to offer than a way to do your work by typing commands on a keyboard. Live with Unix long enough and you will change. You will become more creative, and you will come to understand the spirit of creation in others." --Harley Hahn, from the introduction to Open Computing Unix Unbound Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed Usenetter
The good thing about having Red Hat installed is that it furnishes a suitable chroot environment in which you can install Debian. -Rick Moen, on linux-elitists Jobs wanted to play hard-to-get, but this strategy backfired badly. Later, when asked if Microsoft would develop software for the NeXT system, Gates replied: "Develop for it? I'll piss on it." Which he duly did - metaphorically. --http://www.vnunet.com/Features/1112630 chris: am i being a pain in the ass? peewee: you're an nt admin. chris: worse, i'm a manager. "BTW, does Jesus know you flame?" -- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp "IESG Note: The IESG has concerns about this protocol, and expects this document to be replaced relatively soon by a standards track document." -RFC1945 If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that. --Marus J. Ranum, Digital Equipment Corporation "OK, it's the Real Time Clock module. Not that I can find one that I recognize on the massivly overbloated motherboard. If IBM did it in X chips, and Compaq in Y chips, AT&T did it in (XY)^2 chips; that way you got more for your money." --firstname.lastname@example.org "FREE BURMA! FREE TIBET! FREE SOFTWARE!!" -http://sunsite.unc.edu/ "Now I'm convinced RAID stands for 'Random Annihilation of Important Data.'" -email@example.com The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." --firstname.lastname@example.org "On t'other hand: it looks like the company I work for may soon have enough money to hire hench-people. So I have a little list of two people who I want to drag in, whatever the price. Unfortunately the really valuable one (who I'm willing to sacrifice my left arm for) has just woken up to the fact that he has 5 years Oracle DBA experience and has started charging accordingly. It would probably be cheaper to simply hire the US Air Force and carpet bomb the market into submission." -email@example.com Writing non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity, so if people who do this run into trouble, that's good! All businesses based on non-free software ought to fail, and the sooner the better. -- Richard Stallman "ObSpamGuard: Remove YourClothes to reply" -Fromberger@YourClothes.Dartmouth.EDU Plug-and-Play is really nice, unfortunately it only works 50% of the time. To be specific the "Plug" almost always works. --unknown source (seen in a .sig on debian-user) There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. One of the keys to a successful SPAM demand or threat is proper capitalization. Unlike normal English usage, providers MUST randomly capitalize ENTIRE words for no APPARENT REASON. E-mail which follows this rule is certain to have a major impact on all readers. -Ben Black
"When it comes to the Macintosh, the keyboard is just an extension cord for the one-button mouse." --firstname.lastname@example.org (on comp.unix.colaris) I couldn't block approval of the standard on those grounds, so instead... speaking of coups, this was about the time of the coup that eliminated the Soviet Union. So, I posted a notice about the coup in which the evil repressive forces of POSIX were being thrown off, and as we speak, teams of new developers are taking control of the major new utilities because they were making the changes to support K by default. To have an excuse to say that we still support the spec, if you define the environment variable, POSIX_ME_HARDER was the original way. Then a slightly prudish board member convinced me to change it to POSIXLY_CORRECT which I now think was a mistake. I should have left it as POSIX_ME_HARDER. -RMS "Self-terminating devices merely need to be left with sufficient livestock and they'll take care of the rest." --Graham Reed, on SCSI "I'd like to use my favourite lart on you, but it would violate strategic arms limitation treaties" -email@example.com X windows: We will dump no core before its time. One good crash deserves another. A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. We make excuses. It didn't even look good on paper. You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! A new concept in abuser interfaces. How can something get so bad, so quickly? It could happen to you. The art of incompetence. You have nothing to lose but your lunch. When uselessness just isn't enough. More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! When you can't afford to be right. And you thought we couldn't make it worse. If it works, it isn't X windows. X windows: The ultimate bottleneck. Flawed beyond belief. The only thing you have to fear. Somewhere between chaos and insanity. On autopilot to oblivion. The joke that kills. A disgrace you can be proud of. A mistake carried out to perfection. Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. To err is X windows. Ignorance is our most important resource. Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. Built to fall apart. Nullifying centuries of progress. Falling to new depths of inefficiency. The last thing you need. The defacto substandard. Elevating brain damage to an art form. X windows. X windows: It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. Built to take on the world... and lose! Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. Power tools for Power Fools. Putting new limits on productivity. The closer you look, the cruftier we look. Design by counterexample. A new level of software disintegration. No hardware is safe. Do your time. Rationalization, not realization. Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. Gratuitous incompatibility. Your mother. THE user interference management system. You can't argue with failure. You haven't died 'til you've used it. The environment of today... tomorrow! X windows. X windows: You'd better sit down. Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. Why do it right when you can do it wrong? Live the nightmare. Our bugs run faster. When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. There ARE no rules. You'll wish we were kidding. Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. Dissatisfaction guaranteed. There's got to be a better way. The next best thing to keypunching. Leave the thrashing to us. We wrote the book on core dumps. Even your dog won't like it. More than enough rope. Garbage at your fingertips. Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. X windows. "Remember - if all you have is an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun." --firstname.lastname@example.org "So, you're keeping me alive because you don't know DOS?" -Prophecy II "Security-wise, NT is a server with a "Kick me" sign taped to it." -email@example.com "How long do you think it'll last before they realize that learning HTML is like learning to scratch your butt, except that you get to see where your hands are at all times?" -http://22.214.171.124:8080/ "Dammit, I don't want my voice mail or e-mail to notify my pager of new messages, or print on my printer, or.... I get enough pages and e-mails and voice mails already without each one arriving in four places for me to swear at." --firstname.lastname@example.org "The indication need not be a dialog box; it could be an icon (for example, a picture of a rotting fish) or some other visual indicator." -RFC 2068, discussing stale HTTP data and caching "Resource consumption attacks (say, opening /dev/zero as an rcfile) should be dealt with like all resource consumptions attacks: audit and keep a baseball bat next to your desk." --guenther@GAC.EDU Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found. On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" "96.2 percent of all computers will crash regularly during 2000. These, of course, will be the ones using Windows." --Lincoln Specter "I've never seen (nor want to) Windows 95 installed from floppy. My boss did it once I'm told. He has eczema. I've never asked if the two were related." --http://bofh.gits.co.uk/pfy/pfy02.txt A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel Manual. -- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva "our enemies will talk themselves to death, and we will bury them with their own confusion. we shall prevail." -mac internet config 1.4 text example And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days. from The Book of Mozilla, 12:10 "Some people have 14 years of experience, some people have one year of experience 14 times over." --email@example.com When users see one GUI as beautiful, other user interfaces become ugly. When users see some programs as winners, other programs become lossage. Pointers and NULLs reference each other. High level and assembler depend on each other. Double and float cast to each other. High-endian and low-endian define each other. While and until follow each other. Therefore the Guru programs without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Warnings arise and he lets them come; processes are swapped and he lets them go. He has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect. When his work is done, he deletes it. That is why it lasts forever. -fortune(6) Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer." --fortune(6) "I guess that I ought to test this to make sure it works, but I'm not going to." --Seth David Schoen on linux-elitists